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Hope
When I was sick and by myself at home I would think, “What exactly is the purpose in this. What are you doing? You’re still alone. You still have nobody in your life. You still have that void. So what you’re searching for is ...
I knocked on the door and Satan said; “You have to sell your soul to come in here.” The ledge started moving in. So, I sold my soul
“You’re going to end up like your father, a bum on the street, a loser, an alcoholic.” As a kid, growing up hearing those things hurt me. I thought, “Man, after everything I do for you, this is how you love me.”
When God spoke to me I left my career to be a stay-at-home mom. I left all the glitz and glamour and all the supposedly wonderful things. I started completely over, but with God in my heart this time.
Really, I wanted to die. I was doing all the things that were killing me anyway. I had so much pain, hurt, and hatred I didn’t know how to process any of it.
"I really wanted to call him and say, “I’m sorry for what I had done.” Months earlier if you’d asked me I wouldn’t have admitted to have done anything wrong."
At that point my brother and sister walked into the room, crying uncontrollably. At that moment I knew it was true.
I did the empty chair procedure. I asked my father all these questions. Then I was to get up and sit in the chair and answer the questions. This didn’t make a bit of sense to me but I did it.
I decided I was going to get up and I decided I was going to get in my car and drive up Glendora Mountain Road where teenagers would always drive drunk, and every few years someone would end up driving off a cliff.
I slept in the car one night with my newborn baby. That was one of those “God, why me” moments.