Find Hope

This thing inside me screamed, "No, don't pray!"

As he slid me up that wall, telling me I didn’t know anything about God, I realized I did know about God, I just didn’t think I knew God.


Typically I had about 200 drug customers that would come to me. I worked at a nuclear power plant where there were 4,000 people. So, I had plenty of drug customers. Then one night, I put off going to church so I could go to a super bowl party, and it was a party. It was a party, party. While at the party, after doing our drugs, there was a fellow that said he was going to commit suicide because he couldn’t find a good woman. I said, “Well, you need to do what I did, buddy.” He said, “What’s that?” I said, “You need to go to church to get you a good woman.” Next think I knew this guy, who was a professional wrestler, had slid me up the wall, had me by the neck, and began to tell me how I didn’t know anything about God. He then told me he was about to break my back over a chair, and that I would never walk again.

As he slid me up that wall, telling me I didn’t know anything about God, I realized I did know about God, I just didn’t think I knew God. I begged him to let me down. I said, “If you’ll let me down this wall, we’ll leave here. We’ll never live this kind of life again.” Finally, I talked him into letting me down, and not doing me bodily harm, and we left together to go to my home.

It was Sunday night. I had been to the church that morning. Since that morning, I had smoked some hash and drank about 18 beers. I called my mom and said, “Do you have time to pray with a couple of guys that want to get saved?” She said, “Well, Honey, I’ve already put my housecoat on. Who is it?” I said, “Mom, it’s me and another one.” She said, “Oh, my God,” then hollered for my dad. He got the phone and said, “What’s wrong with you, boy?” I said, “I’m at the end of my rope, Dad. This is the end of it. I’m ready to give it up.” At the time they lived very close to me, so they showed up in a few minutes.

I had rededicated my life so many times I’d worn my re-dedicator out, but my mind and my spirit said, “This doesn’t work anymore.” So as I tried to pray though, I could hear something inside me screaming blasphemies and telling me, “This is not going to work. It doesn't work. It’s not real.”

It felt like an eagle had talons around me. It was holding me tight. Every time I’d pray the sinner’s prayer, it would scream, “Nooooo! This ain’t gonna work. It’s a lie.” I would feel more and more bound every time I’d pray the sinner’s prayer. I grew up in a Baptist church. The only time I ever saw a hand laid on somebody was when we sent deacons. My Dad was standing there with my Mom, above the sofa. Something deep down inside of me said, “Get your dad to put his hand on your head.”

I found out later that, even though I was a married man [living] my own life, my father still had authority in my life. He still had some dominion in my life. I looked up and said, “Dad, I know this is weird, but something inside of me is saying if you’ll just put your hand on my head and pray for me, I’ll be able to get through this. So, he put his hand on my head and prayed this real spiritual prayer, “Jesus, help my son.” When he did, that thing inside that felt like it had a hold on me ripped loose and came up out of me. When it did, I stood straight up and said, “It’s gone. I’m free. I’m free.” I felt like a kid, again. I didn’t feel like I was carrying something that didn’t belong to me anymore. It was like I had a new life. There was something inside of me that was new. You know, the Bible says, “Old things pass away and everything will become new when we give our life to Christ.” I experienced that.

Ed - This thing inside me screamed, "No, don't pray!"